I saved a squirrel - THE WEIRD LIFE OF MOLLY

I was driving down the street, rocking out to my music, when I noticed the car in front of me was driving kinda slow & very weird. I immediately jumped to conclusions and decided the piece of shit car ahead of me was breaking down or the driver was high as hell. After about 2 minutes of going nowhere behind this fool, he suddenly sped up to the right and zoomed off. 

That's when I saw it-

There was a squirrel in the middle of the road. Some other car must've hit it or something because it had a bum leg and was desperately trying to get out of the road and into the grass. Unfortunately, for the little critter, it was one back leg that was messed up and it wasn't getting anywhere. In fact, it was whipping shitties in the middle of the road. I'm not kidding. This squirrel could only go in a circle because it's one back leg didn't work. (For the record, my friend, don't let my blog intro fool you. This shit really happened EXACTLY this way).

That was it. I'm a sucker. I pulled my car over to the side of the road and came up with a plan in about one second.

I grabbed a super old newspaper from the backseat and decided to use that to kind of swoosh/sweep the squirrel to the side of the road and hopefully it could get itself up onto the grass. At least it wouldn't get run over by a car again...

Well, kind reader, when dealing with a scared, hurt wild animal I suggest taking longer than a second to come up with a plan.

As I approached the squirrel I scared it even more and it ran faster and faster in the never ending circle. I kind of laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation and I swear to god that squirrel got pissed off because I laughed. As I bent down to get the newspaper closer to it and the thought of rabies started to creep in my mind - the thing completely freaked and hurled itself onto my leg of my jeans!

Needless to say, I completely freaked out myself and screamed at the top of my lungs and in the span of about 2 seconds, on pure freaked out auto-pilot, I kind of hacky-sacked it into the air and drop kicked it with my other foot. OH MY GOD!

Well, I must've reset it's hip or something with my Karate Kid move (I had no idea I could do) because the squirrel landed and ran all the way across the street, up the curb, and off the street. Continued to run, straight as an arrow, about 50 feet to the nearest tree and hauled it's ass up there.

Yes, my friends, I am a healer...