was driving down the street, rocking out to my music, when I noticed
the car in front of me was driving kinda slow & very weird. I
immediately jumped to conclusions and decided the piece of shit car
ahead of me was breaking down or the driver was high as hell. After
about 2 minutes of going nowhere behind this fool, he suddenly sped up
to the right and zoomed off.
That's when I saw it-
There was a squirrel in the middle of the road. Some other car must've
hit it or something because it had a bum leg and was desperately trying
to get out of the road and into the grass. Unfortunately, for the little
critter, it was one back leg that was messed up and it wasn't getting
anywhere. In fact, it was whipping shitties in the middle of the road.
I'm not kidding. This squirrel could only go in a circle because it's one
back leg didn't work. (For the record, my friend, don't let my blog intro fool you. This shit really happened EXACTLY this way).
That was it. I'm a sucker. I pulled my car over to the side of the road and came up with a plan in about one second.
I grabbed a super old newspaper from the backseat and decided to use
that to kind of swoosh/sweep the squirrel to the side of the road and
hopefully it could get itself up onto the grass. At least it wouldn't
get run over by a car again...
Well, kind reader, when dealing with a scared, hurt wild animal I suggest taking longer than a second to come up with a plan.
As I approached the squirrel I scared it even more and it ran faster and
faster in the never ending circle. I kind of laughed at the
ridiculousness of the situation and I swear to god that squirrel got pissed off
because I laughed. As I bent down to get the newspaper closer to it and
the thought of rabies started to creep in my mind - the thing
completely freaked and hurled itself onto my leg of my jeans!
Needless to say, I completely freaked out myself and screamed at the top
of my lungs and in the span of about 2 seconds, on pure freaked out
auto-pilot, I kind of hacky-sacked it into the air and drop kicked it
with my other foot. OH MY GOD!
Well, I must've reset it's hip or something with my Karate Kid move (I
had no idea I could do) because the squirrel landed and ran all the way
across the street, up the curb, and off the street. Continued to run,
straight as an arrow, about 50 feet to the nearest tree and hauled
it's ass up there.